Those Nights by Skillet

Love this song!!!! <3

 

~Emilino

Letting go

This song has been my motto song for awhile now.  As you know, I miss R like crazy.  It’s making me insane.  I’d forgotten about this song until yesterday, when it came up on shuffle on my Zune.  And you know what I decided to do?  I decided to just let go.  I wrote a lot about it in my journal, but I don’t want to copy that down since it’s pretty personal.  So I’m going to write a poem about it.  And just so you know?  This is real.  This is not fiction.  This is my heart.  I’m pouring it onto a platter.  I’m letting go.

 

This has been bothering me

For a while now

I miss you

You know that

But you don’t know

Couldn’t know

The depth of how much
I truly miss you

 

I never really thought

You’d leave

And definitely not

The way you did

Without a goodbye

Without even telling me

I didn’t know you were leaving

Until you were already gone

 

I miss you so much

Too much

It’s not good for me

It’s not good at all

 

I think it’s time

For me to move on

From you

And all you represent

 

I miss you, and

I miss all the good old times

When you were there

 

But they’re not coming back

You’re not coming back

The way things used to be

They’re not ever coming back

 

We’ve all changed

We’re all growing up

 

I still wish

You’d come back

But you won’t

 

You aren’t coming back

 

Thank you, thank you

For all you did for me

Thank you

For being there for me

You were there

When I was most desperate

For a hand to take hold of

And thank you for that

Thank you so much

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

 

And for that, for what you did

I’ll always love you

I’ll never forget you

You’ll always hold

A place in my heart

You know that, don’t you?

 

My life

Needs to continue

I love you

I really love you

I love love love you

 

I can’t stand to live

Like this, not one more day

Suffering

Just because you’re gone

 

So let go of me, nostalgia

Let go of me, longing

I refuse to yearn

For what I no longer have

LET

GO

OF

ME

 

I

AM

LETTING

GO

OF
YOU

 

I am letting go of you.

 

Go your way, beloved R

Go your way without me

I love you, but

Go on without me

I don’t want you to stay

If I will suffer like I have

When you’re not there

 

You’re not God

I still have God

I’ll always have God

I don’t want you to be

A stumbling block

Not like you’ve been

It’s not your fault, though

Believe me

It’s all my fault

For idolizing you

 

Memories

Just let go of me

 

Nostalgia

I’ve grown sick of you

 

Tears

Dry up

 

Sadness

Dissolve, because

I want to be happy

 

LET GO

LET GO

LET GO

LET GO

 

I LET GO

I LET GO

I LET GO

I LET GO

 

My final word

I’m so, so, so, so glad

You were there

 

But now you’re not there

YOU ARE NOT THERE

There is no point

In me missing you anymore

There is no point

I will not suffer

Because of this

 

I love you

I’m letting go of you

Take my heart with you

Take my heart, a prayer, a blessing

It’s OK

Just go

Just go

 

Thank you so much

Now, I beg you

Take your leave

 

I’m letting go

of you.

~Emilino

picture courtesy amyscoffeetalk.com

 

theres so much you left behind

they tell me not to think of you
act like how i loved you was something vulgar
when no way, no way ever
can i forget you, i love you like nobody knows

cant think about you all too much
usually thinking of you brings up tears
talk about you rarely, i know their assumptions
dont know what to think of you anymore

havent seen you in too long
rarely ever remember your face in detail
dont dare look at pictures, when i do i cry
wish you would smile at me like you used to

wish i could see you
wish i could see your face again
want you to be here, want to hug you
want to say i miss you, make you understand

i know you don’t know how this feels
you don’t know how much i miss you
you’re somebody different, its been too long
even if i saw you, things could never be the same

i normally manage to fight back the tears
manage to suppress them and get by without
but sometimes they slip and fall, at night, alone
never enough tears to fill the void you left behind

don’t you see, i wish you would
take a look into my heart, see, i really love you
not in any way that’s vulgar
not like how they assume — i really really love you

don’t want you to kiss me
don’t want you to be my boyfriend
don’t want you for any romance
just want to see you again, i really do

just to smile at you, laugh at you
the air to be four times lighter in your presence
your presence, just your presence
that would be enough

~Emilino

picture courtesy flickr.com

Rochester by Mat Kearney (beautiful song)

Been a while since I posted anything.  Went to a Mat Kearney concert last night.  This song really touched me.  Think you should all listen to it, too.

Here are the lyrics (thanks to azlyrics.com):

 

I was born in Rochester
To a bookmaking man
And fake cigar shops
With the games on in the back
See them coming and going
Let them ride on thoroughbreds
Police chief and Tompaw wondering what was the spread
I carried rich mens bag through the brow
Trying to chase a little white ball
I learnt that any soft place wasn’t good for me at all
Daddy came home fired up looking for some sort of reliefs
He beat the hell out of Timmy, Timmy beat the hell out of me

Yeah I would hop the fence out to this government fields
Run ’til there was nothing more to feel
Lying there watching planes just disappear
Knowing one day I ‘m gonna fly on out of here

Well that same police chief came to hawkin my first freshman day
Put my daddy in handcuffs put his picture on the front page
To carry one of his suits and all my dignity
Walk the halls around the court waiting for any punk to set me free
Yeah I would hop the fence out to this government fields
Run ’til there was nothing more to feel
Lying there watching planes just disappear
Knowing one day I ‘m gonna fly on out of here

Well I got that call to Vietnam just like everyone else
I knew
So scared of the hand grenades threw them farther than any other troop
I came home like an iron fist and Timmy tried to take my keys
Ripped open his front pocket that was the last time he touched me
Moved to an island out west up to Breaken Bridge
Met a mermaid on a glass boat and she promised me some kids
Bought a house in Oregon where you could touch both of the walls
Had a son named Benjamin and I was so scared of it all
Well Benjamin walked in the front room where I was cutting up my hash
Looked into those deep blue eyes wondering why I’ve been so mad
Flushed the courter pound down the drain praying for the mercy to confess
Trying to rip out that boy from Rochester right out from my chest
We’re gonna walk right out into these heavenly fields
Run like there was no more time to steal
My three boys in the grace of god I feel

Knowing one day you’re gonna take me out of here
Knowing one day you’re gonna take me out of here

 

~Emilino

Let. Go. Of. Me!

It’s a beautifully fearful thing when a web of lies breaks.

 

~Emilino

Picture mine.

Secrets

First of all, I want to apologize for taking so DANG long to post something new.

I know I’ve got a lot of followers, and you guys are counting on me, and my friends keep emailing me and posting comments telling me to post something new.  Sorry.  Sincerely, I am.  I’m gonna try to frequently post stuff.  It’s been REALLY hard, what with a whole family issue that’s going on, and my dad found something bad on a WordPress site and started up a whole argument (jeez, WHY do people have to post bad stuff online anyway?!  Ugh).

So, anyway, here’s an excerpt from a pretty awesome story I’m writing (not named yet).  It turned out pretty interesting, so here it is:

The thing about secrets is that one secret, especially a big one, affects everything.

And if it’s related to a topic everybody likes to talk about, you’re put in an awkward situation in which you have to pretend you’re sleeping, or zoning out, or listening to music, in order to avoid the conversation.

Or if it’s a topic people like to joke about, your heart breaks a little every time they joke.  And you wish you could scream at them that they’ve no clue what they’re saying, but you can’t.  Because that would blow your cover.

It gets especially bad when somebody asks you a direct question about it — serious or not.

That’s when you have to lie.

Again.

And again.

Your lies become a whole network, a web, that traps you.  And it makes you a liar.  Even if you’re the only one who knows.  You’re still a liar.  And that turns into yet another reason you could never tell anybody your secret.  If you did, they would know you were a liar.  And even if you knew they would probably understand why you lied, they still wouldn’t trust you.  Not completely.

And so your web of lies grows ever stronger.

And no one knows.

Just you.

Just you.

~Emilino

Picture courtesy myinnergoddess.blogspot.com

Trying

I’m trying to help you

I’m trying, I’m trying

Quit pushing me away

I love you, I do

You’re my friend

My friend

 

Don’t you see

It’s not me, it’s you

It’s you, it’s all you

Don’t go at it like that

Stop it, stop it

I wanted to stay

I would have stayed

 

You’re broken

In pieces, pieces

Stop throwing it at me

I’m trying

…I’m trying

To warn you

You’re not listening

 

And you’re sobbing

You’re broken

I want to fix you

I can’t, I can’t

Don’t know how

Here you are

I’m trying

I can’t

 

Look what you’ve done

To me

Is this what I get

For trying, for trying

Stop putting it on me

Can’t handle it

You need me

Don’t do this

Don’t

DON’T!

 

You’re blind!

You’re pathetic!

You’re weak!

I’m sorry!

I tried!

I tried

I’m trying

Still trying

I tried

 

You

didn”t

let

me

 

And this

This is what I get

A scar, a scar

Can you see it

Can you see

What I tried to do

For you

What you did to me

 

I’m sorry

I’m sorry, so sorry

For what you’ve become

I can’t handle you

Right now

I’m walking away

Running

Away

From you

 

 

 

I…

…tried…

 

(Picture mine.  Okay, it might look seriously scary at first, but it really does represent how it felt — like I was walking away from her and her bloodied mess of a life because it had hurt me so badly and I couldn’t take any more… but she was still there, needing help, on the ground, but I couldn’t make myself turn back)

~Emilino

The pose poem

This world can get pretty heavy

Stop taking it so seriously

Allow yourself some energy

That serious face is killing me

 

Strike a magnificent pose

Be a hero, just for now

Momentarily shrug off

That crappy mask of woe

 

I wonder what would happen

If we were to stop being trapped in

This world of overachievers

This world of Justin Biebers

 

Strike an epic pose

As you look off into the sunset

Admire your silhouette

The tallness of your shadow

 

Prince Charming, Mr. Incredible

Syndrome, whoever you may want

Oh, thats a good one

Let me take a picture

(Took that picture of my good guy friends last Friday.  Zoom in for the full effect.  Man, if you don’t know them, are YOU missing out on life!!  [That's an ode to you, Jesse])

~Emilino

I can’t have my cake and eat it, too

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop missing R.

The memories that make me most sad are just the little things. Patting his shoulder, giving him a hug, smiling at him briefly, glancing him in the corner of my eye, his laugh, the expressions on his face. Remembering it all just breaks my heart.  And okay, yeah, maybe that sounds a little weird and obsessive to someone who hasn’t missed someone like this. And if you haven’t, honestly, I do not blame you. I envy you. But I know I’m not the only one who’s felt like this. Immediately two people come to mind. It’s not just me.

I’ve written a lot of posts about this. For a while, I missed R so much that I numbed the thought of him, and all I felt was a slight ache at the sound of his name. But that was maybe even more painful than how I am now.

I can deal with missing him better now. I’m not just broken down anymore. I just have the occasional silent tears every once in a while. I don’t get completely deflated every time I don’t see him somewhere.

But I still miss him. Oh, my gosh, I still miss him so much. And I love him just as much as I ever did when he was there, only he’s not there anymore. And that feels so empty.

You’ve probably felt like this before. Like your feet have been ripped out from under you. Like the air’s been knocked out of your lungs. It’s not obsessive. It’s not like you can stop it. It just happens, and it feels awful.

But there’s that feeling, in the back of my mind, that I miss R and I love him and he’s gone. And all the memories keep reopening the wounds, because it’s like he was there, everywhere I was happy.

He doesn’t just represent himself. In a way, he represents all of last summer, all of those times I was so happy, so relieved. He represents my happiest and most content points of life thus far. And now he represents what it’s like, for me, to miss someone out of my freaking mind.

Mind you, I am not in love with him in any romantic sense.

Someone I know made the mistake of thinking that and telling me. “I know who your crush is,” she said, but she was completely wrong.

So if you know me pretty well, you probably have a pretty good guess about who R is. Don’t go thinking “he” and R are the same person. I do not write romantic poems about R. I do not write anything romantic about R.

I love R so, so, so much. I love R.

But I do not at all have a crush on him. Not the tiniest bit.

About 8 out of 10 people I tell that to (not that I tell that many people, but I’m estimating here) ask, “How can you ‘love’ someone and not ‘have a crush’ on them at the same time?”

I find that a bit ignorant.

Do you have a crush on your father?

Do you have a crush on your grandfather?

Do you have a crush on your pastor?

Do you have a crush on your brother?

Do you have a crush on your best guy friend (NOT your boyfriend)?

No. You don’t. So don’t imply that it’s impossible to love someone without loving them romantically.

I miss R so much. Sometimes I think my imagination goes overkill, and I think I see him on the sidewalk, or at school (as weird as that is), or in a restaurant, or at church. Places he might go to and places he wouldn’t. It makes me feel like a crazy person when I realize it’s not him.

It’s hard. I want this awful feeling to go away, I want to let it go, but I don’t want to let go of all the good things that happened with him, all the happiness, how much I love him. I want to keep the best things and get rid of the bad things.

But I can’t have my cake and eat it, too.

I miss R.

I wish he would come back.

But I know he left because he had to.

I want the best for him.

I want the best for me.

I want to keep him.

But I can’t.

And sometimes I just don’t know what to do about it.

That’s why I keep hanging on to him.

I don’t want to let go and then have him come back.

I don’t know who I’ll be without him.

I’m scared. Terrified.

I don’t want R to be gone forever. Please, anybody else, just not R.

Oh, R, why did it have to be you? I miss you. I miss you so much.

 

~Emilino

Pictures courtesy:

layoutsparks.com

picturesdepot.com

zazzle.com

Never let you go

Would you embrace me

Hug me

Wrap your arms around me

I want you to be here

Next to me

Close to me

Your voice

In my ear

Take one step closer

Two, three, four

I’ll throw my arms

Around your neck

Hold you close

Keep you

Never let you go…

 

Never

let

you

go.

 

 

Emilino

Picture courtesy richmonddentalclinic.ca